He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
