Umm I'm too high to move.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
