birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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