I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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