I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
