based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
