I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
