i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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