I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i came on her dog
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
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