I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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