theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
