So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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