Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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