I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
