I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
