My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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