sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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