I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
