you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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