I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
