if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
