Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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