and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
foreskin is a definite game changer
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
