I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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