If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
