We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
