Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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