Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
