she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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