I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
