i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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