i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture