Texts From Last Night

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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

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  (773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you. http://tfl.nu/kzww
  Replies (25) Good night (1059) Bad night (2962)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

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  (814): all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot http://tfl.nu/2zr0
  Replies (51) Good night (7680) Bad night (936)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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  (404): Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip? http://tfl.nu/mroo
  Replies (35) Good night (1130) Bad night (4980)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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  (248): That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that. http://tfl.nu/u3z8
  Replies (7) Good night (2316) Bad night (1377)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards

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  (520): This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards http://tfl.nu/ehov
  Replies (9) Good night (3456) Bad night (666)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.

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  (203): Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk. http://tfl.nu/6oqy
  Replies (4) Good night (2633) Bad night (689)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something

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  (573): Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something http://tfl.nu/61ie
  Replies (7) Good night (700) Bad night (1202)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years

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  (262): All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years http://tfl.nu/lv0h
  Replies (1) Good night (781) Bad night (534)
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  (310): View more from California

  Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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  (310): Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes. http://tfl.nu/zngo
  Replies (2) Good night (1355) Bad night (493)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story

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  (254): Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story http://tfl.nu/vkqr
  Replies (6) Good night (1198) Bad night (498)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?

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  (910): Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days? http://tfl.nu/vw91
  Replies (3) Good night (376) Bad night (489)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.

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  (618): I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night. http://tfl.nu/847z
  Replies (0) Good night (504) Bad night (306)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again

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  (516): Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again http://tfl.nu/0ih0
  Replies (2) Good night (586) Bad night (227)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.

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  (651): Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer. http://tfl.nu/3bgh
  Replies (1) Good night (329) Bad night (207)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.

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  (631): I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct. http://tfl.nu/6tip
  Replies (1) Good night (393) Bad night (205)

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