Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.