She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
