the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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