I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
