at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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