I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
