at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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