Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
