I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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