I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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