i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
