Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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