i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You took a bar mat shot.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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