Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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