So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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