is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You ate ashes out of my bong
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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