i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
