can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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