guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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