well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I could fuck to npr.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
