Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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