K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
