in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
