Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.