At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.