You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background