I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she looked like the before picture.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
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There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
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When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect