dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
