you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
